Back in the spring my two dear friends Valerie and Angela (I also happened to have been both of their doulas too) kept telling me about this amazing therapist they had found.  She did deep tissue massage to you while doing talk therapy.

They wanted me to go to her to “see if I had any issues”.  They both thought I was so balanced they were curious what would come up.

I on the other hand, love massages.  I didn’t really think I needed therapy, but the massage sounded great.  I also wondered if I still had some birth issues lingering from T1′s birth.  (though I was pretty sure I had let that all go.)

So I started seeing Pam in the summer.

I totally already believed that sometimes our strong emotions can get trapped in our bodies.  But to experience the deep massage and talking was amazing.

It turned out I did have issues.    We all do.  Right?

I have come along way from then.  My blog has seen some changes.  I am not posting nearly as much as before summer.  I was posting almost daily before I started with Pam.  Then 3x a week and then a whole month with nothing!  There have been some other changes too, that I want to share over the next few weeks.

But first I am going to share how my birth trauma was still very alive and well in my body!   For those who think birth doesn’t effect how women mother are SO wrong!

(If you are in the OC and want Pam’s info – contact me!)

I don’t quite know how to say this and I am not sure how it will be received.  Some of my IRL (in real life) friends LOVE this about me, but there are many who think it is really strange.  Here you go -

I am an energy healer.

A few years ago I started my journey into the amazing power of energy healing.  It was motivated by my birth trauma from T1’s birth.  I was amazed with how powerful it was and  I really wanted to be able to harness this power to help my family and friends.

I read Remembering Wholeness, which helped reassure me that as a Christian, Energy Work is a gift from God,  and learned about EFT.  (Emotional Freedom Technique)  EFT was pretty easy to learn and do, so I have used that for a few years.  But it still felt limiting and it was sometimes hard for me to really tap into the person I was working with (usually myself or my boys) to find out what they really needed.

A Tool to Harness More Information

Someone suggested I read The Emotion Code and that book is what really helped me see how I could easily access what it is people need to release.  The book was sort of mind blowing and I started practicing and was amazed.

I wanted to delve deeper so I got the Body Code Healing System and started learning and developed confidence to start practicing on friends and family.

I can say after a year of practicing I feel like I can say, I am an energy healer.  I can easily tap into others energy (with their permission) and easily find out what they need to release and then help them release it.  I love it and have been able to help my boys, husband, friends and myself stay physically healthy as well as emotionally and spiritually healthy.  Honestly the power of this tool amazes me.

Helping Others with this Gift

Part of me wants to start helping others, but in light of my intentions for the year, I am not wanting to go there yet.  Maybe one day I will want to offer this service to others.

For now I will just keep helping friends and family.  But for those of you interested in helping yourself or your family, I really suggest reading The Emotion Code.  It is a great introduction to Energy Work.  If it resonates with you and you want to delve in deeper get The Body Code System.  You can be an energy healer in your own home!

• Here is a great post by Mama and Baby Love explaining more about energy healing and how it works.

Everyone knows that pregnancy is a rollercoaster of emotions and various other events that can lead to choosing a baby name being one of the last things on your mind! That being said, it is one of the most important decisions that you will have to make, at the end of the day this is the name that your baby will live with for the rest of their life – unless they really hate it and change it by deed poll! So choosing the right baby name can be really tough, but it’s a challenge that we can all rise to!

Pressure from the family?

When we have announced to the world that our baby is on the way, there are a few questions that are commonplace. How are you feeling? How far into the pregnancy are you? Are you going to find out if it’s a boy or a girl? And of course, have you thought of any names? There are thousands of boys names and girls names to choose from. Some people might have thought of a name straight away and there is no challenge at all, others will think long and hard, and might not even come up with a name until the baby is actually born! There can be pressure put on from family to come up with a name so they know what to expect. Some families would like it if your child was named after Grandpa Joe or Aunt Vera, or that they had a middle name that somehow represented the family. It can be the cause of arguments between families and partners, but it is important that you choose a name that you want – don’t choose a name only to resent it a few months later.

Celebrities and their uniqueness!

You might also feel under pressure from the various celebrities who come out with crazy baby names, and names that seem to become increasingly ‘unique’ year in year out. Finding a unique baby names whether they be boys’ or girls names is becoming more and more of a struggle, and with that you could really start to wonder where the inspiration for your name is going to come from. It is important to remember that your baby will be just as happy with a name like Steve as it would be if you decided to call it Zayden, or as happy with Lucy as they would be with Harper! Feeling pressure because of celebrity naming trends is a pressure that you can easily avoid, so despite the challenge don’t put unnecessary strain on your hard work!

Your choice is all that matters

Overall the challenge of naming your baby is one that everyone should enjoy. If you feel pressured by anyone or anything to name your baby in a certain way then make sure you take a step back. You are the person who is carrying it for nine months, so take some time for yourself, sit down and have a good think about what you really want to call your baby. Whether it is a common name, a unique name, or something you’ve completely made up, as long as you’re happy with your decision then the challenge of baby names can be one which you confront head on!

I was excited to find out about a new photographer in my area.  She just moved here from Arizona and is trying to get her name out there.  So I did a trade.  She gave me a discount on a photoshoot and I am letting you know about her.  She also gave me a discount code for my readers to use!

We had a fun family photo shoot on the beach.  I was amazed at how easy it was now that my Things are bigger! 14, 11 and 6 is much easier than 8, 5 and newborn. 

Ashley was super nice and easy to work with.  Her prices are great, so if you are wanting to do a photo shoot, check her out.

Hypnobabies was so helpful in my VBAC. I know it may sound silly to use hypnosis, but I feel like it made a big difference in my birth experience. I never intended (or even wanted) to have a pain-free birthing experience. What I wanted was to clear my mind of the self-doubt that comes from having had a c-section for “failure to progress”. Hypnobabies taught me to trust my body and my baby to know when and how to make things happen. It taught me to trust my gut when choosing where and with whom to birth my baby. I used the tools to train my body to relax and just surrender to the process, and I feel like it did what I wanted it to do for me. I would not call my birthing comfortable, but I wouldn’t call it painful either. That just isn’t what birth is to me. It is intense and powerful. And although my birth was augmented with a tiny bit of pitocin (making those sensations stronger), it never felt like more than I was able to handle.

4 AM ?!?! Wow, things were just moving right along! A little while later, I was resting between contractions and I started wondering if someone had turned off the pitocin again because I felt like several minutes had gone by without anything happening. Literally, as I was finishing this thought, I heard Nichole say (to Christine), “See that? She hasn’t had a contraction in a few minutes.” It was like she could read my mind! In my head, I was thinking, “She thinks that was the “rest and be thankful” that comes at the end of transition before it’s time to push! No way! It CANNOT possibly be time for that yet.

I don’t know if it was immediately after this, or a few contractions later, but I realized the sensations had changed, and what I was doing had changed. I was grunting through the contractions instead of moaning. One of the doulas (I think it was Nichole) asked me if I felt like I was pushing. I said I didn’t know. I really didn’t. I don’t think it had sunk into my head yet that that was what was happening. When she asked me, I actually thought about it during the next contraction. I tried pushing a little, and it felt better than not pushing. She told me just to do what felt good. After a couple of pushing contractions I heard them tell Joel to call the midwife and tell her I was pushing. I think the first time he called he got her voicemail. As I continued what I was doing, I heard them tell him to call her back. It seemed like they wanted her to come sooner rather than later. He got through to her this time and she said she was on her way. I think this was some time after 4:30.

The urge to push got more intense as the contractions continued, so I pushed a little more with them. I trusted my body not to tell me to push if it wasn’t ready, but at the same time I was just a tiny bit nervous that maybe I wasn’t completely dilated and I didn’t want to do any damage. Anjli showed up somewhere in there and asked if she could check me. I was still on my knees at this point, so she did her best to try to maneuver around me, but the positioning was just too awkward. She asked me if I would be ok to turn over onto my back. I didn’t want to move, but I really wanted to know that it was safe for me to be pushing, so I quickly (as quickly as one can turn with all sorts of wires and things attached to them) flipped over. She did a quick check and declared me 8-9 cm. So much for getting past “the point where I got stuck in my last labor” (Hypnobabies VBAC track) – I was WAY past that now! Yay!

Being on my back was torture. I felt stuck in that position, because any time I tried to move I would be hit with another contraction. I pushed through them (since Anjli said I could, and I really couldn’t help it anyway), but I tried not to push too hard since I wasn’t completely dilated. I wanted to give myself a few minutes to open that last little bit. And, for the record, I have no idea how anyone pushes in that position because I felt completely ineffective.

After a few contractions, I was able to turn back over (that felt so much better!). I started feeling pressure in my hips, like they were being pushed apart. I asked if the baby was almost there, because I wasn’t sure if what I was doing was effective. I couldn’t feel her moving down on the inside, but my bones felt her. As she moved lower and lower, the only indication I had was that the counter pressure I was getting was moving lower, as well. It was like they knew right where she was. I never had to say anything (except I think I mentioned my hips).

Anjli asked me if I wanted to try pushing on the toilet, and I thought, “Oh dear lord, if I have to move AND if I have to move to the toilet, that would just suck! No way! I will get this, and I will get this right here!” I also remember getting upset because my feet were falling asleep and the numbness was distracting me (it bothered me more than anything else at that point, which just tells you how much I hate to be numb). I think someone rubbed them to help me get over that sensation.

As I kept pushing, I started feeling the warm compresses (to help prevent tearing) that Anjli was applying (per my birth plan). They felt so wonderful, and they distracted me from the small tear I knew I was getting on my left side (which also indicated to me that she was getting ready to crown – I never could get out of my head completely). Then I heard someone say, “ Look, there’s hair!” Then a push or two later, “Look, there’s eyebrows!” Then, “Look, there’s her nose!” All through this I thought to myself, “What is taking her head so damn long?” And then I heard the best news of all, “She’s here! Turn around and get your baby! You did it!” Talia arrived at 5:29 AM!

(“Look! There’s her nose!” The washcloth in Anjli’s hand was for the warm compresses that felt so great!)

I was warned to be careful as I turned around because there was fluid EVERYWHERE. Apparently, near the end of the pushing stage, my water had broken again (I felt the gush, but not a pop or anything else). It was all over the bed, the floor, and Anjli (sorry!)! I held my daughter in all her squishy, gooey wonderfulness, and I just stared. She was quiet, but her eyes were open and she was looking straight at me. Since her cord was left untouched, she was receiving oxygenated blood from her placenta, and in a minute she pinked up and gave a little cry. A few minutes later the cord was clamped and Joel got to cut it. She was free! The placenta came out easily and Anjli gave us a tour of it – including where the small first sac had been that had started us down this crazy path.

(Holding my gooey baby!)

(We did it!)

The nurses were wonderful, too. No one was in a rush to take Talia or do anything to her. I held her as a few stitches were placed in my 1st degree tear, and I tried to nurse her, but she wasn’t really in the mood quite yet. When I finally got out of bed, I handed my baby to her daddy to hold for the first time. If I was going to give her to anyone, it was him. While I was getting cleaned up, she was weighed and measured. My big girl was 8lbs 3oz and 20.5 inches (See Baby had estimated her weight at 8lb 7oz – pretty close!) – much bigger than her brother had been (but three extra weeks to grow will do that for you)! The staff even asked me if I still wanted to wait to give her a bath (which we did, so I could enjoy that fresh baby smell for a long time). When I got back in bed, she was finally ready to nurse for the first time. Oh, how I missed that!

(Daddy and his baby girl)

(Our first nursing session)

Sometime around 7:30 AM we were moved down to postpartum (on the way, my L&D nurse kept saying how she couldn’t believe how quick it went), and shortly after that my parents arrived with Eli. I was so happy that he never had time to realize we were gone, and he seemed to know exactly who that baby was in my arms. He was never once confused about why Talia wasn’t in my belly anymore.

After my parents left, we spent some time enjoying our precious new daughter, just the two of us. The nursery nurse came and did her admission exam and she had her blood drawn because of the extended time with my water broken. Later that afternoon, I gave her her first bath (with almost plain water).

(The team that made it all happen! I couldn’t have done it without each and every one of them!)

Sat, 5/14/2011 – 40w5d

About 12:10 AM, the nurse started my pitocin @ 2 milliunits. I was standing next to the bed when she did this (because sitting kept throwing off the monitors and, honestly, just wasn’t very comfortable) and instantly found myself leaning over the bed as a contraction hit me. The first two went fine. They were intense, but I managed. I was listening to Hypnobabies again, and it seemed to help me focus my attention away from my uterus. Then, I had another one. This one came on hard and fast, and it didn’t let go. I started having flashbacks to my first labor when the nurses had messed up my pump while trying to hang my antibiotics, and I had a 3 minute long contraction during which I lost all control. It happened again. I started crying to Joel that it wasn’t going away. I started to doubt myself, and panic a little. I was only on my third contraction (with very little pitocin) and I was losing it. I kept wondering how it could be that bad so fast. I couldn’t hold still, which means the monitors were not staying in place (but I didn’t care). I tried sitting on my ball while leaning on the bed, standing and leaning on the bed, getting up on my tip toes and leaning on the bed, nothing was helping. I asked Joel for counter pressure, but his hands on me felt worse than the contraction on its own.

I think I pushed the call button or something, but soon the nurse was in my room turning off the pitocin. I wanted to hug her for that. I thought they were turning off the pitocin because of the insanity of the contraction (it had to have lasted several minutes), but I later found out it was because I wasn’t holding still for the monitor to be able to read. I continued to have contractions (on my own), but they were much less intense (easy compared to what I had just done) and were pretty far apart.

Sometime after 1 AM, Nichole and Christine arrived. I had my back to the door, but I felt their presence during the contraction I was having. I also felt a sense of relief and it was almost like the atmosphere in the room completely changed. I wanted Joel there, and participating, but I NEEDED these women. They had been in my shoes, and they knew exactly what I needed to hear and feel.

After a little while, Christine brought to our attention that the contractions were really far apart. I think she specifically said I hadn’t had one since the one I was having when they walked in, and that they needed to be closer together for a baby to come. I didn’t like hearing that (I won’t lie), but I knew she was right. If this was going to happen eventually, we might as well make it happen. Joel called Anjli (she had us call her directly if we needed anything instead of going through the nurse) and told her that I had only been on the pit for 20 minutes, and it had been off for almost 45 minutes at this point. She explained that it had been stopped because of the lack of monitoring and that she would take care of it.

My nurse came in shortly after and got Waffle back on the monitor, and the pitocin was re-started at 2 milliunits around 1:30 AM (and was increased once, to 4, but I don’t know when). The next few hours are a big blur, as I was most definitely in “labor land”. I stood and leaned over the bed for some contractions (which felt like having cramps and a giant balloon blown up in my pelvis simultaneously), but after a while the only thing that seemed comfortable was to kneel on the bed and lean over the back onto my pillows. I accompanied this with increasingly loud moaning ( which turned into roaring and left me hoarse the next day). It felt so good! Christine and Nichole took turns putting counter pressure on my sacrum, which felt so awesome and really made the discomfort of the contractions nearly disappear. Christine also spent a lot of time reminding me to moan in low tones, which was really helpful. Another tool in my bag (o’ tricks) that became essential was my sack of cherry pits. I had this sack for about 9 or 10 years, and it was perfect for this situation. The heat felt great on my sacrum, and I would be anxious for it to return when they had to warm it up (Joel proof-read this and wanted me to make sure that I mentioned that HE was the primary warmer of the bag of pits).

(My AWESOME doulas, doing their thing!)

Every hour, my doulas would diligently remind me it was time to get uncomfortable and go to the bathroom again. That was hard. It probably would have been less of an ordeal if I didn’t have to take cords and an IV pump with me, but we made it work. They would warn me that we were going to go after the next contraction, and they would have everything unplugged and ready to go, which helped a lot. Really, the worst part of it was the toilet itself. It was so uncomfortable (they should pad those things!), and I would have multiple, close contractions while I was sitting there. Then, when I finally got up, that would cause a contraction, too! While making my way back to the bed on one trip, I couldn’t even make it from the toilet to the sink (maybe 3 feet) without having another contraction. I remember that one, specifically. I buried my face onto the nice, cold counter top and was standing on my tip toes. It reminded me of a birth story I had heard the week before at a Red Tent event, and the woman had mentioned that she was a “tip toe pusher” and would do this involuntarily. I mentioned the story to whomever might have been listening (but it wasn’t aimed at anyone in particular).

The monitor was an interesting experience, and something I feel is worth mentioning. Remember how I said Waffle didn’t like being monitored when we had the NST? Well, she still didn’t like it in labor. After the pit was turned on the second time, I would have to hold the monitor firmly to my body every so often so that there would be a good 15-20 seconds of monitoring. Apparently this was enough because the nurse never bothered me about it (or at least not enough that it is part of my memory of the events). The contraction monitor didn’t work right, either. It could perfectly capture any of the contractions I had on my own, but once the pitocin was turned on it never budged. On paper it looked like nothing was happening. If it wasn’t for my doulas timing the contractions (which were instantly qualifying as active labor), no one would have known what was going on.

All in all, I really loved my labor experience (I even liked my first one on maxed-out pit, so it didn’t surprise me that I was having a good time). I was in “labor land”, but I also felt like I was present in the room (which is what I wanted). I didn’t want to be completely in my own little world, I wanted to have a party! That may explain why I decided I needed 4 people to help me have this baby (and another to document the event). I enjoyed the moments at the end of contractions (and between them) when I could add some commentary to the conversation. The rest of my “good time” happened in my head (as it seemed to do during my first birth).

I have to throw in a note about what my husband was doing during all of this. When the doulas first arrived, I think he felt relieved and just stood back and watched. At some point, when things were really intense, he came over to my left side, put his hand gently on my back, and bent over next to my head and told me what a great job I was doing. It was exactly what I needed him to do. I remember a few tears of relief being released when he would do this, and I felt my body relax. We had talked about using the Hypnobabies cue, “Release” to remind me to relax and let my body do its job. He would say it, and I would refocus and really feel myself give in to the process.

At some point, I was leaning over the back of the bed during a contraction when I noticed that my right thigh was shaking a little bit. It felt more like twitches, so I didn’t think anyone noticed. I figured it was from being in the same position for so long. At the same time this was happening, I started to feel just a tiny bit nauseous. I debated (in my head) whether or not to tell anyone or ask for a bucket, but then I decided that if I didn’t say anything it would just go away. In my head, I was thinking that shaking and nausea are signs of transition, but I quickly pushed that thought out of my head because I knew I hadn’t been laboring very long (and my first labor had gone 15 hours with very little progress, so what did I know?). Then a couple contractions later, I started shaking a little bit more. I heard Nichole (not so discreetly) say to Christine, “Do you see that? She’s shaking.” I thought to myself, “She thinks I’m in transition! There’s no way that can be possible, it hasn’t been long enough!”

I think this may have been the point where I asked what time it was (trying to get a gauge on how fast things were moving). They told me it was “early morning.” To me, this seemed like someone knew that I was thinking about how fast things were going, and they were avoiding giving me an actual answer to keep me from thinking so much. I asked again. Someone told me it was 4 AM.

As we headed down the interstate and turned onto the street in front of the hospital, I put my headphones in my ears and turned on my Hypnobabies tracks. We had had a very difficult time putting the tracks onto my mp3 player, so finding the track I wanted was a bit of a challenge. At first, I thought Easy 1st Stage never even made it onto the device (and was about to lose it over this minor issue), but just as we made that turn I found the track! I felt a huge sense of relief as I turned it on and allowed myself to relax and just go with the process.

I had called Anjli when we were on our way, but had to leave a message because she didn’t answer. I figured she was with the mom that was laboring earlier in the day, and she would probably call us back. We arrived at the hospital at about 8:45 and went up to Labor & Delivery. We checked in at the desk and told the nurse that our midwife had sent us to be induced. I really enjoyed the look on her face when I told her my water had been broken since Wednesday night! They apparently did not know I was coming (because Anjli was busy with the other mom) so they put us in triage until they talked to her.

Our triage nurse was very nice. She came in and had me change my clothes and get settled on the bed. She offered me a hospital gown, but told me she didn’t really care if I wore it or not. Since I had been planning to wear a tank top and the birthing skirt I made, it was nice to know that I wasn’t going to have to start my experience with an argument of any kind. The nurse hooked me up to the monitor and seemed intrigued by my skirt, but appreciated the way I had made it user-friendly for the staff. After I was all wired up, she asked me some questions and someone from lab came to take my blood. The nurse said she wasn’t going to check me since my water had broken and we knew Anjli would be there soon.

(My “hard on the eyes, but incredibly comfortable” birthing skirt)

(Trying to be a good patient in triage. I was probably texting the doulas or checking ICAN (since my phone is in my hand). You can also see the Blessingway beads on my left wrist next to my phone). This may be the only pic of me wearing them….

The whole time I was sitting in triage I continued to feel crampy, and laying in bed was really not very comfortable. Every time I tried to adjust myself Waffle would come off the monitor, but I didn’t care since that whole thing was for the staff and did absolutely nothing to enhance my experience. Around 9:15 PM Anjli came to see us. She apologized for us having to be in triage when we should have been directly admitted (didn’t bother us – we’re very easy-going). She noticed me holding my beads and asked me if they were from a Blessingway. She told me she had thrown several for some of her friends, and thought they were great. I was excited to show her the beads and tell her a little bit about some of them.

After this, she got ready to check me and see where we were starting from. It was really comical to watch Joel be her “assistant” and help open packages of lube. It was a big production. The final result of her exam? 3-4 cm/80%/ about 0 station. (Which I promptly posted to ICAN and texted to my doulas.) Anjli was please with this, and I was both pleased and nervous.

We were both happy that I had obviously made some good progress on my own in the last 8 hours, but I was nervous because when I went into my induction for my first birth I had been 3 cm/80%/-1. After a minute or so I got over my fear of this experience being like my first. I reminded myself, in the words of Kerry (the voice/founder of Hypnobabies), “This birth and this baby are unique unto itself.” I knew that this time things would be different. They had already been so very different. At one point, earlier that day, I turned to Joel and reminded him that when we were in this situation last time, our child had already been born because they didn’t believe in my body.

The entire experience, even though it wasn’t nearly over yet, had just solidified to me how wrong my first birth experience had been. It wasn’t just handled poorly, it was handled WRONG. My body had not been ready, my baby wasn’t ready, it just hadn’t been the right time.

We continued to sit in triage (watching Liar, Liar) on TV as we waited for a room to become available. At 11 PM I finally got annoyed and sent Joel to the nurses’ station to find out how long it was going to be. I don’t usually like to be the annoying patient, but I was here to work, and the longer I sat around with nothing happening, the more tired I was going to get. That just wasn’t going to work for me. Ten minutes later, my triage nurse came back in, unplugged my cords, and escorted us to LDR 8 – with a GORGEOUS view of the downtown Atlanta skyline.

When my triage nurse had left us, she told me to just plug myself into the monitor whenever I was settled. I took this as an invitation to take a break from monitoring (which doesn’t bother me so much as the thought of being physically attached to a box). I took a bathroom break and then we started decorating our room. I had borrowed Christmas lights from a friend so that we could keep the overhead lighting low and still have a nice glow in the room – we plugged those in and laid them along the window sill.

Next, we unrolled the “Happy Birthday” sign I had made online – we ended up hanging it on the bathroom door. I set a big bag of candy next to the fetal monitor with my birth plan and baby care plan. (It was for the staff – although my team ended up eating some of it because the nurse just left it there after I suggested she take it to the nurses’ station. She kept saying she would wait until later…she thought I would be laboring for a long time!) Once everything was in place, the room felt much more like a party was going to happen and much less like a boring hospital room, and that is EXACTLY what I wanted.

(DH putting up the lights)

I finally plugged myself back in, and my new nurse came in and started getting everything set up to start. I had to get another 20 minute monitoring strip to make sure Waffle was doing fine before they started the pitocin. The nurse had me lay in bed, and I had to stay still so she could get what she wanted. I obliged a little bit, but only because I was busy calling Nichole and trying to decide if I wanted my doulas to come. Christine had told me earlier that she thought this would not be long and drawn out (or something like that), so I finally decided to have them come (and I’m SO glad I did). My back and hips were already getting uncomfortable, and I knew that adding the pitocin would just intensify the feeling.

I want to start this year with an amazing VBAC birth story, shared by a mom on the Hypnobabies Yahoo Group.  It is a few posts long, with great pictures.  Enjoy!

Wed, 5/11/2011 – 40w2d

I noticed that “Waffle” was more active than usual as we watched TV and got ready for bed. I started having a sharp stabbing pain that felt like if I didn’t go to the bathroom RIGHT THEN that my bladder would explode. Off to the bathroom I went, but as usual, not much happened. Then, as I got ready to stand up, I felt a small pop and a little leaking. At first, I thought it had just been a gas bubble because when it popped I had a huge relief of pressure in my lower abdomen. And I thought the leaking was just me needing to pee more because “Waffle” had moved (also thinking this had changed the pressure feeling). I sat there for a minute and felt some more leaking, but just a trickle. I also noticed it had a warm sensation. All of a sudden I had a flashback to when my water had broken in my first birth, and it occurred to me that maybe that’s what had happened. It was 10:15 PM. Since amniotic fluid has a distinct smell (or lack there-of), I checked for it. The fluid on the toilet paper had no color, and it had that musky, sterile smell. I was pretty sure what it was, but I was still in denial that it was happening again.

I ran to the computer, hoping one of my doulas was still online and that I could check in with her there instead of having to call or text message since it was so late in the evening. I was SO happy to discover that Nichole was on Facebook. I quickly messaged her and we discussed the situation. I told her I thought my water had broken, but that I just didn’t feel sure because if it did it was a slow leak (as opposed to the dramatic gush I experienced with my first birth). She had me check and see if I could tell where the fluid was coming from. While I was following her suggestion I felt a small gush (like my bladder releasing, but without the sensation) and my hand was suddenly covered in fluid. Once again, I smelled it. Yep, it had that “smell”. I ran back to the computer to report my findings. We talked about whether I wanted to tell anyone (including Joel) about what was going on. I decided not to call the midwives (because I already knew they had a pretty generous 48 hour PROM policy, so I had plenty of time to do things on my own before they needed to be involved), but decided to talk to Joel about making other calls.

I went back to the bedroom and woke up Joel (who had fallen asleep waiting for me), and told him what happened. At first, he got really excited, but then he quickly calmed down and remembered how long our experience was with our first birth. We discussed calling my parents, since they were going to come stay with Eli. We decided to call them and tell them to leave in the morning, since they had a 7 hour drive. I called two of my back-up babysitters to try to give them a heads-up in case we needed them in the middle of the night, but neither one answered their phone. I figured I would deal with that if it became necessary, which it never did.

We went to bed, and of course, my husband was asleep within 30 seconds. He always is. I turned on my Hypnobabies nightly tracks – starting with “Baby Come Out” (which I had been listening to for two days) and did my best to get some sleep. I knew we had a long road ahead of us.

Thur, 5/12/2011 – 40w3d

In between making trips to the bathroom every 30-90 minutes, I managed to sleep about 4 hours through the night (with the help of my Hypnobabies tracks). Around 5 AM I couldn’t sleep anymore, but I rested and just enjoyed being alone with my baby and my thoughts. At 6 AM we called my parents to let them know nothing had changed, and they headed out on the road shortly after. Around 7 AM Eli woke up and we all just hung out around the house. I played around on my birth ball – sitting and bouncing on it at times, and leaning over it others. I made a conscious effort to play with my son and spend this precious time with him, and we talked about how baby Talia was coming to live with us very soon.

Sometime that morning I had gone onto the ICAN of Atlanta forum and posted about what was going on. I wanted to be able to share my excitement and nerves with women who understood how I felt. I was hesitant to post about it because I was still in denial that my water had broken, and I didn’t want to look completely stupid if it turned out that was not the case. I think in my heart I had come to terms with what was happening, just not in my head. I also made a post to the Hypnobabies and HBAC yahoo groups (not sure if I did this the night before, or that morning). The only other person that I told (because several hundred people weren’t enough) was my friend Katie. She was in charge of notifying the women who had attended my Blessingway when I was in labor so that they could all send good thoughts and prayers for me and my baby.

Thinking about it now, I realize that although I didn’t know 90% of the people who I told about the beginning of my birthing time, I somehow felt deeply connected to them. They were genuinely excited for me to be at this point, and I knew that they were all cheering me on. At the time, I think that knowing that all over the world there were women who were thinking of me made me feel strong and energized. Now, it just makes me teary-eyed with thankfulness.

Anyway, back to the story. Around 8 AM I got in touch with Nichole, who wasn’t too thrilled to hear I had only slept 4 hours that night. She promptly told me to take a nap (she also recommended a visit to the chiropractor, but I had seen her the day before and she doesn’t work on Thursdays). I did as I was told because I didn’t know what else to do, but also because I was just tired. The novelty of my water breaking had worn off (thankfully) and there was plenty of work ahead of me. I took a nap for a couple of hours and then joined my husband and son for lunch.

Earlier, Nichole and I had started talking about things that might encourage labor to start (now that I was rested). Since acupuncture had been mentioned to me a week earlier, I decided this sounded like a good option to consider. I quickly got back on ICAN and contacted a few women who had experience with it in hopes of finding a practitioner who could see me that day. Elaine got back to me pretty quickly and directed me to Acupuncture Atlanta in Buckhead . I called them up and explained my situation. Immediately, I was given the direct phone number to a acupuncturist and she told me she could see me at 4 PM! I wasn’t too crazy about shelling out $100 on a therapy that may or may not work, but at this point I was willing to try anything. The website for the company also has lots of good info on acupressure, so while Eli napped Joel did some acupressure on me. I had a few mild episodes of cramping during this, but nothing exciting.

Around 3 PM my parents arrived from Florida and Joel and I left for our first round of acupuncture. Since I am scared of needles (I know, ironic for a nurse), I made sure to bring my mp3 player (to listen to Hypnobabies) and my Blessingway beads. I wrapped the necklace around my wrist twice to form a bracelet. Having it with me, feeling the beads, and thinking of each of the women who had gifted them to me was very calming. I never felt alone or scared or even the least bit worried.

(The beads that kept me sane. I don’t write about it in the story, but I wore these on my wrist from the time we went to this acupuncture appointment until I was in active labor and had to put them down because I was afraid I would break some of them. They were THAT important to me and my experience)

The acupuncture appointment was a really cool experience. Most of the needles she placed didn’t hurt (except my little toe, but she explained that’s because there isn’t a lot of flesh to anchor the needle in), and it was really cool to feel my uterus immediately reacting to the stimulation. My baby was moving all over the place, I was having mild and sporadic contractions, and I was feeling very encouraged. The whole procedure took about 40 minutes. During that time, the acupuncturist gave Joel some tips on doing acupressure and she gave us a moxi stick to use at home if we needed it (which we never used). She also told us that if we needed another treatment we could come back the next day for free. We decided to set the appointment and told her we would call if something happened. So glad we made that appointment!

(Acupuncture treatment #1…taken on my cell phone)

When we got home, we laid down for a nap. I turned on my Hypnobabies tracks, once again, and they worked like a charm and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was excited to notice that the cramping was still coming every so often (maybe every 15 minutes)! We got up and went to dinner with my parents and Eli. I asked to go to Sweet Tomatoes because I knew I could get some soup and other nourishing foods for (what I thought would be) the long labor ahead of us. Because of the crampiness, I didn’t have much appetite, but I managed to eat some chicken soup and a few other things. My toddler EASILY ate enough to make up for me not eating! After dinner, we headed home to finish packing the car and put Eli to bed for the last time as an only child.

Around 8:15 PM we left for the hospital. It was a quick drive, with very little traffic. I felt bittersweet about the whole thing. I really like that going to the hospital was such a non-event for both of my births (it is especially nice to do paperwork without the distraction of labor), but at the same time, I was hoping that THIS time I would get to be one of those women who would dramatically stop every five feet and lean on my husband or doula or the wall in the throws of a contraction. I wanted so badly to be in labor on my own (I sort of was, but it was very early, piddly labor). Oh well, maybe next time!

Last year was an amazing year for me. I did a lot of growing and letting go too.

I started 2011 with 52 goals.

I achieved most of them, I usually do achieve my goals. But I was very frantic about it. It wasn’t done with intention and love, rather with urgency and hyper-focus, with kept me from connecting with those I love.

It was through some therapy/life coaching/massaging that helped me see this franticness and over the past few months I have been shifting. It has been challenging, but lovely too.  (post coming soon about this)

What I learned with My Mostly Media Free Month.

I took a whole month off of posting on my blog and I loved the break. I loved having the extra time to be with my family and friends. It sort of makes me want to stop blogging all together. I had gotten to this weird point that if I did something in real life, I had to tell cyberworld about it to make it real. (Either via my blog or Facebook, etc)

Real life happens and is actually sweeter if I am not worried about recording it all.

I have written goals for YEARS (at least 25 years) and I have achieved them. But this year I don’t want any goals. I heard about this revolutionary idea on zenhabits blog.  At first I thought it was CRAZY, but now I am at a point where it sounds wonderful.

Intentions instead of goals

I am going to have some intentions I want to focus on

• Hearth and Home:  My home is a place where people feel welcomed, comfortable, loved and honored (especially my family).
• Health:  I am healthy and have plenty of energy to do the things I love, and even things I don’t love, but will help connect me with my family. (think hiking/biking)
• Relationships:  I take time and energy to connect with those important people in my life.  This year I will especially focus on Rob (my husband).  After 15 years of marriage we have slipped into taking each other for granted.  I want more and I am sure he does to, so this will be a priority.
• Personal Growth:  I will take time to develop and share my talents and gifts with those around me connecting in a way that blesses their lives and mine.
• Spiritual:  I will take time to connect with Heavenly Father  on a daily basis and be open to following the direction He wants me to take.

Really, my hyper-focus in my life has helped me achieve much, but it came at a price, exhaustion and disconnection.

Do you notice something Big is missing????

Birth

I just feel like I need a break from birth.

I don’t think I will stop doing things with birth.  I just need a bit of moderation.  :)

I am planning on teaching Hypnobabies next year, but not taking any doula clients (except close friends).  I don’t want birth to be a focus, instead have it be something that happens from love of supporting expecting parents instead of something I am driven to do.

My passion has been birth for 5 years

I helped write an amazing book, The Gift of Giving Life,  which is being published in 2012.  I felt I was called by God to be apart of that, now that it is written that passion is fading.

The great thing is there are plenty of other women out there passionate about birth and I will still be teaching Hypnobabies and probably blogging too, but it won’t feel frantic like it did before.  Really blogging became exhausting instead of fun.  Having a month off helped me remember that it can be fun.  The internet won’t fail if I don’t post, so I don’t have to worry about posting each week if I don’t want to.  I was thinking maybe I will just stop, but I still have things I want to share.  So I won’t disappear.  :)

I feel like my boys, husband and home are my passion now.

They probably always should have been, but I am now ready to focus on them!

What are your plans for 2012?  Will you have Goals or Intentions, or Both?